Five Seconds
by Kaze no Hoshi
Summary: What would Zechs do if he thought he was responsible for Noin's death?


Five seconds, the difference between life and death. Five seconds. That was all it took for one brilliant light in the universe to be snuffed out. All because he was late. Five seconds too late to save her, to warn her, to do anything. He shook back his hair and waited, for the crowd to disperse, for the speeches and eulogies to be over, so he could mourn her in his own way. The overcast sky and cool ocean breeze only deepened his dour mood. At least she can see the beach from on top this hill. An image of a young woman laughing, running down to beach, invaded his mind. He missed her, much more than the mob of well-wishers and mourners ever would imagine. 

"If I even have the right to miss her," he whispered sullenly to himself. He knew it was his fault, no matter what anyone else said to offer some vestige of comfort. He saw the looks her closest friends gave him, silently accusing him. He heard the murmurs and whispers that now preceded his entrance to anyplace. He should have known, should have prevented it. After all, wasn't that his job? To protect others? What's the use, if it costs the one? The breeze stirred the trees, and whispered more doubts and shadows into his ear. With a sigh, he turned and walked away, trying not to look back.

"Oni-san!" The shout of a young woman turned his head. A young girl, no, a woman now, with honey blond hair waved at him, her usual cheerful demeanor gone. _Not surprising_, he thought. _She was my baby sister's friend and mentor for years._ "Oni-san," the girl began again.

"Hmmm?" he jerked himself out of the dark pool of memory and focused on her face. Blue eyes, darker than his own, but with the same steely ice, glared at him. For a moment he was disoriented, staring at his little sister. When had she developed the ice and lost the light? _But she's not a baby anymore. Not after she's seen more battles and deaths than anyone but a Gundam pilot. Or me._ He mourned that loss. One more thing to add to his list of destruction.

"Here, this is for you," the young woman handed him a package, plain and wrapped in brown paper. He took it gently from her, a wan smile tugging at his lips. 

"What's in it, Relena?" he asked; his voice cracked for he knew what the parcel contained. How he could bear to have it, he would not know. 

"I really don't know, Oni-san," the girl replied hesitantly. "Lady Une only said she would want you to have it." She placed a light kiss on his cheek, turned, and walked away, back to her own life of politics. The former assassin who followed her shot him a look that would have frozen his heart, if it had not already shattered.

__

How ironic. Relena was wrong. She would not want her murderer knowing her private thoughts. He stood at the foot of the hill, like an alabaster statue. The wind whipped his long blond hair into snarls and tangles as he watched the last of the crowd disperse and go back to their lives. Making sure that all left her grave, he turned slowly to face it. The mound of garlands and circlets seemed to insult her with their gaudiness and wastefulness. He knelt down and cleared them away without another thought, pushing them to the side. In their place he laid down twelve perfect white roses. _Perfect, like my beautiful angel._ He stood up and snapped to attention with military precision. The light of the setting sun dyed his golden hair a blood red as he saluted the grave of his closest friend and only love. A single tear, the only emotion he showed all day, sparkled in the last light of the day, and splashed on a white petal. He blinked once, and left without a word. The package felt heavy in his greatcoat pocket and in what remained of his heart.

***

His apartment seemed colder and lonelier than ever when he returned home late at night. Clothing and other items lay strewn around the room as if the owner no longer cared about life. Despite the clutter, it still felt empty. A faint scent of lilacs and cinnamon lingered over the room, filling him with memories. Was it only last week that they had dinner here? So much changed in so short a time. Shaking his head, he slowly headed toward the bedroom. A small frame on the bookshelf caught his eye.

It was a simple frame, bare of ornaments and elaborate carvings. What made it worth more than any other possession was the woman in the picture. Clad in a midnight blue gown, the young woman in the picture carried a bouquet of dark red roses and smiled radiantly. Dark bangs fell over her face, lending her an air of mystery. Her dark blue eyes, almost lavender, seemed to look into his heart. He touched the worn frame gently, lovingly. 

"Noin, I have failed you," he whispered into the darkness. "I should have been the one who died. Not you. You were too innocent, too pure. I've failed you."

No one answered him. He was truly alone in this bleak unforgiving world. He stumbled blindly into his bedroom, heedless of the furniture in his path. At least once, he tripped over something, but he no longer cared, about life, about anything. The only person he ever gave his heart to now lay dead by his hand. What did he have left?

He collapsed onto his cold and lonely bed. On his nightstand sat a simple note, one he usually never paid attention to.

_Zechs,_

I love you forever.

Noin

With great care, he removed the package from his pocket and placed it next to the note. How could she ever cared for him? Silent tears streamed down his face. Why had the gods punished her for his sins? If there was anyone who deserved death, it would be him. With a sigh, he turned to the sweet oblivion of sleep, praying his ghosts would not haunt him there.

***

He ran down the corridors; his gun firing. Their mission was to destroy the rebel base. If all went well, Noin and her team would be ready to enter the main control rooms. At a prearranged signal, his force would with hers for the final attack. It was straight forward and simple. Nothing could go wrong. He fired into the hall again and ducked behind a corner for cover.

"Fire, this is Wind. Corridor 47A is secure."

"Copy Wind. We're approaching point Delta now. I'll be in the control room in three minutes. Fire out."

He nodded to his team, and motioned for them to move on. As group leader, he would watch their backs and provide cover fire. Time was of the essence. His team had to be in place the same time as Noin's in order to insure the complete control of the command center. They were already late approaching point Delta. Zechs shuddered as he imagined the consequences of his actions.

Somehow, they battled through the corridors. The stench of blood and burned flesh nearly overwhelmed him as he surveyed the carnage left by the attack team. The walls dripped with blood, hiding some of the burn marks. The charred corpses could barely be recognized as human. _I thought I had left the horrors of war behind. How wrong I was._ He glanced as his chronometer. _Damn. There's not much time left._

"Wind, come in."

"Wind here. Fire, are you in position?"

"Copy Wind. Where the hell are you?"

"Corridor 52B."

"Get ready, Wind." He gestured to his team. "Attack on my mark."

Seconds ticked by as they waited. "MARK!"

His team burst into action, joining up with Noin's just as the command center's doors blasted open. He caught her eyes and nodded. She smiled back. This mission was almost over, almost time to go home. 

Five minutes later, it was over. The last of the rebels surrendered to the Preventer Forces. He anguished over the loss of life, but they had done all they could to resolve it peacefully. He felt a light touch on his arm and glanced over. Noin leaned on him, a smile hovering around her mouth. "I'm just glad it's over," she whispered. He murmured his agreement as they walked toward the shuttle bay, arm in arm.

__

Something's wrong. Why do I think this place isn't secure yet? He looked ahead. Noin smiled at him, calling him to hurry up or Sally will leave without him. He shook his head. _Why can't I shake this feeling of doom?_ Carefully, he surveyed the boat bay. Everything seemed to be normal. Still, as a precaution, he had drawn his gun. His oversensitive senses picked up a slight sound that shouldn't be there. The sound of a man's footsteps on the walkway above. His mind raced at the implications even as he reached for his gun. Why had no one else seen? Only then did he realize he was already too late. Time moved in slow motion as the man pressed the trigger.

"Dear God! NOIN! GET DO..." He was interrupted by three shots. "_NOIN!_" His body acted even as his mind froze at the sight. She lay crumpled on the floor; her blood staining her uniform a deep red. A single shot rang out in reply. The assassin fell back as the bullet smashed through his skull.

He was at her side without realizing how he got there. Sally was there, trying to stop the blood streaming from her chest and to get a steady pulse. He held her hand gently, not wanting to hurt her more. 

"C'mon, Lucretzia, love, stay with me. Just hold on," he pleaded, all the while praying this was a nightmare. He can't lose her, just can't. She was the only one who ever loved him, or cared for him, even in his darkest hour. _God, why did it have to be her? Couldn't you have taken me instead?_ Her hand felt cold, like the chill of death had already settled upon her.

"Zechs?" her voice was no more than a whisper. He bent his head over hers . 

"Luc, you'll be fine." He wasn't sure how much longer he could control the trembling in his words.

"Zechs, I love you..." She closed her eyes. Sally looked up and shook her head. He gathered her close, holding her body. How long he sat there, rocking her, he did not know. This couldn't be happening. Someone loosed his hold on her body. He looked up through platinum bangs. "No, no. This can't be real. She's not gone."

****

"NOOO!" His scream echoed in the empty room. He sat up, half tangled in sweaty sheets; his heart pounding wildly. How many times had he dreamt this? Each time, he would look beside him, praying she was still at his side. Each time, he'd wake only to know his nightmare was no illusion but reality. He would never hear her voice, so lively and vibrant, again, never kiss her or hold her again, and never tell her he loved her, with all his heart. 

A beam of silver moonlight broke through the clouds, landing directly on the package beside him. With trembling hands, he picked it up. _How can I bare to open this?_ The light seemed to follow the wrapped parcel for it was still rimmed in silver. His clumsy fingers fumbled with the cotton string and brown paper. An eternity later, a simple book lay in his hands. The soft midnight blue velvet cover bore only one word, printed in gold letters "JOURNAL." Beneath it shimmered a bouquet of gold roses. _My insticts were right after all. Not that it's of any use now._ He traced the letters with his finger; it felt soft and sleek compared to his rough bloodstained hands. He could no longer sleep or stay indoors. The moon, now fully emerged from the clouds beckoned him to go, to follow her path.

He set down the book and pushed himself out of bed. Leaning down, he picked up the first jacket he could find. _She would be lecturing me about the value of neatness about now. I care not for it anymore._ It was wrinkled and rumpled as the rest of his clothes. He shrugged it on and place her journal in its pocket. Somehow, it wouldn't fit. _Strange._ He reached in, trying to find the obstacle and succeeded in unearthing a tiny black box. _I meant to give this to her when we were on the shuttle. Too late, she will never know. How could I have been so blind and not told her earlier._ Inside the box, nestled in a small silk pillow, sat his mother's wedding ring. He bit off a curse at his own stupidity as he jammed both book and box back in various pockets and headed out the door.

*****

The ocean breeze swirled around him, blowing the worst of his haunted dreams away. He eased himself down by the large granite boulders close to the edgw of the cliff. It would be a painful death if he fell, but he deserved no less. With a sigh, he leaned back against the stone. When dawn came, Zechs Merquis would be no more. He took out the book. The moonlight focused on it, making the gold letters glow with an inner light. Carefully, he opened the cover and began reading.

****

The first entries was written in by the hand.of a young girl.

__

September 1, AC 189

So this is Victoria Academy. I've only been here a week, but it feels a lot longer. I thought cadets would be much better behaved than the gangs, but seems like I was wrong. All of them are nothing but a bunch of stuck up pigs. I have just as much right as anyone else to be here. Gutter Snipe indeed. I'll show them. I'll be one of the best when I graduate. That'll show them that a street girl is just as smart (most likely smarter) than they are.

I wonder how the gang's doing right now. Hope that Michi can get some help from the church or something to keep everyone safe.

Maybe not all of the students here are pampered brats. That blond boy with ice blue eyes seems to be a decent guy. So far, he's the only one who hasn't teased me. That should count for something. We have all the same classes, but I never caught his name. I wonder if we'll ever be friends. He seems so nice (and cute), so unlike the others. I wonder why he's so quiet all the time. I think I heard somewhere that he's a prince. Given his behavior, that's highly likely.

He sat back, stunned. The others _had_ all teased the new girl. He didn't quiet remember why he never joined in, though they all pressured him to. Every time he caught her eyes, he realized he just couldn't hurt her. He was driven by some unknown force to protect her, to be her friend. Zechs flipped the pages slowly.

__

April 11, AC 190

This year's almost over. It actually went a lot better than I originally suspected, but i bet that due to one Zechs Merquise. I never expected to become friends with him, but I suppose it all started with that slight accident in PE. I swear, I never meant to kick the ball that hard. Even more to the point, I never thought I'd hit HIM with the ball that hard. It was the finals for the school soccer championship, and I had just the right angle to steal the ball. For some odd reason, I used to be really nervous around him. I suppose it was just a crush. After that game, i felt comfortable around him and we began hanging out together.

He grimaced slightly. How could he ever forget that soccer game. He was just getting ready to score the winning goal when a dark haired girl kicked the ball first. One moment, he was standing, the next, he had fallen to his knees, wincing in pain. All the while, the girl bent over him, apologizing profusely for her action. Somehow, he managed to smile at her, and that smile started their whole relationship.

__

After that, we just did everything together. I mean, we complement each other perfectly. All the girls are jealous because they think we're going out, but we're just good friends. In fact, Zechs is more like a brother to me than a boyfriend. Besides, we're only 12, (Well, he turn thirteen in four days) and I want to study more before I seriously think about boys.

He flipped a few more pages. The handwriting was the elegant script he was used to.

__

November 1, AC 191

Last night was certainly interesting. Of all things, I never realized we were going to duel on Halloween. Of course, a lot of people expected it. After all, we're the top two ranked students at VA. Thank God the instructers weren't there to see the two of us act like a pair of immature kids, the way we were taunting each other.

In truth, he started it. If he hadn't dressed as a knight (in full armor and weapons), I would have never been tempted to challenge him. We had been fencing partners for the past six months, so we know each other's moves pretty well. I surprised him by choosing to use a staff no doubt. The thing is, I used a staff as a weapon when I lived on the streets so I'm quite proficent with it. I think someone took pictures of our impromtu match. I have to go hunt them down 'cause I want a memento of last night.

Well, I got in a few good blows before deciding to let him save face and win. What really surprised me was that he removed his helmet, and came over. God he has gorgeous eyes. Strange I never noticed it before but it's true. And then he kissed me. In front of everyone. To top it off, he called me his lady. I was so ready to melt. He sure knows how to treat a girl.

He smiled. How could he ever forget. That night, he had expected her to dress as a princess or some other very feminine costume. She dressed up as Robin Hood, complete with bow and staff. And then, she challenged him to face her in a duel. How could he resist? All he focused on were those laughing dark eyes. She let him win. He had suspected it then, but now his suspicions were confirmed. How many other times did she let him save face or win?

Even more, he could never forget that kiss. She tasted of a sweet cinnamon, and warmed is frozen heart. Now she was gone, and his heart was again a block of ice.

A slip of paper peaked out from one of the pages. He immediately flipped to it. What he thought was a scrap was in actuality a picture, taken at the gradutation dance. Tears welled up in his eyes again as he remembered that night. Against all common sense, he began to read.

__

February 19, AC 192

Damn Commander Treize! He just had to add in the last qualification on the friggin' invitation, didn't he. "OZ officers must show they can interact with others by bringing an escort." How on earth can I find someone to take me when the dance is tomorrow? The guys just think of me as one of them, not as a girl to date thanks to the fact that I don't wear skirts or makeup often. I'm lost. Maybe, just maybe, Zechs doesn't have a date yet. Keep dreaming girl. You know how many other girls drool over him. Still, I'll ask him.

***

"Zechs?"

"Speaking. Hi Noin. I was just about to call you."

"Umm, I was wondering..."

"Noin, do you have a date for tomorrow?"

"No..."

"Would you go with me, please. I would have asked you sooner but I thought you were taken."

"Of course. I'd love to go with you, Zechs."

"Thank you, Lucretzia. I'll cherish you forever."

***

What foolish promises youths make. He shut his eyes to stop the flow of tears. _I said I'd cherish her, yet I stilled failed to save her._ The first rays of dawn streched across the horizon. _It's time._ He rose slowly to face the rising sun. The golden letters on the cover were dyed a blood red by the early light. He raised the book, and gently kissed the front. _Luc, I shouldn't have let you go into the dark alone, but I'm coming now._ He tossed the book to the side, and began his final steps. _One more step, and I'll be with you. Just one more._

"Zechs!" He turned sharply. He'd know that voice anywhere. Yet it couldn't be her. She was gone forever. He forced himself to look up, to the source of the voice. She stood in front of him, clad in white gossamer and silk. Soft ebony bangs hid half her face. Her deep blue eyes were full of boundless love.

"Noin." It came out as a half choked whisper. "Noin." All words deserted him as he tried to comprehend the glowing figure. 

She placed a hand on his arm. "Zechs Merquise, my prince, my knight, don't do this."

"Noin, with you gone, I have nothing to live for. I failed you, and I don't deserve your love." He wept openly; a lifetime of pain and grief colored his voice.

"You're wrong, Zechs. I won't let you throw your life away." _It's so like her, always caring, always kind._ He refused to meet her eyes. "I know you love me enough to die for me, but do you love me enough to live, even if I'm gone?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but something entirely different came out. "Noin," he blurted, "I was a fool not to give you this before, but would you accept this token of my love for you even now?" Somehow, the little black box apperear in his hand, but he had no memory of ever getting it out. The sun had almost fully emerged from the ocean, bathing everything in a shower of gold. She faded as the rays of sun touched her.

"I love you forever, Zechs, and I'll be waiting for you."_ She looks gorgeous when she smiles like that._ He wasn't sure how much of a grip he had on his sanity now. "It's not your time yet." For the final time, he met her eyes. A phantom hand brushed back his platinum bangs. He felt a faint kiss on his lips. The air around him smelled of lilac and cinnamon. "I love you too, Noin, from here to eternity." A brilliant flash of light blinded him.

When he could see again, she was gone. This time, forever. Yet this time it didn't hurt as much. He shook his head, wondering if the past minutes had been the product of a dream or hallucination. _No, someone stopped me from jumping._ He turned to face the sunrize he thought he would never see. Out of curiosity, he took out the box from his pocket and opened it. The ring was gone. He smiled. If he was willing to die for her, he was damned willing to live.

*****

Zechs Merquise returned to his appartment with a sigh. Had it been twenty five years since her death? It stilled seemed like yesterday. He just returned from leaving a dozen white roses at her grave like he did every year. And like every other year, he had to choke back countless tears while he spoke to her about life. Relena was now a grandmother, peace was a permanant fixture on earth and the colonies, and most of all, he still missed her.

He was so tired now. The burdens of being the Minister of Defense rested heavily on his shoulders. It would be good to go to sleep. He stumbled into his bed and sank into a deep sleep without dreams.

***

She looked as radiant as ever. "Zechs, it's been twenty four years and 359 days."

"I know, Noin. Thank you for waiting like you've always done." Her laughter sounded like silver bells. The silver ring on her left hand sparkled with an inner fire. He bent down and kissed her. "This time, I'm never letting you go."


End file.
